Loving a spouse with dementia for decades comes with tremendous heartache. The treacherous path that must be tread requires steady, patient, and unstoppable footing as well as a thick skin. But through this journey, I also gained some wisdom.
Here are a few things I learned from loving a spouse with Alzheimer’s:
Faith, family, and friends can get us through everything.
Looking back with regret is pointless.
Get as much rest as you can when you can.
Some days neither our spouse with dementia or we spousal caregivers make sense.
We don’t need the correct words to get our point across.
We’re all a little “off.”
Remain in the present moment. The past is over and whatever future we have will be our present.
Slow down. What we are doing at a given time deserves our attention.
Skip the little worries and place the big ones in God’s hands.
Appreciate everything as if experiencing it for the first time.
No matter how far away someone is mentally, they can feel the love.
If this moment is troubling, believe there will be others that are better.
You can’t take care of anyone else if you don’t take care of yourself.
Forget the to-do list. Just do the next right thing.
There’s always something to cry about.
There’s always hope. New medicines, new therapies, and a new peace are ahead.
There’s always joy. Even in the worst of times something good is happening.
When we reflect on the legacy we hope to leave behind, we typically think of professional achievements and objects acquired. Our self-importance is evaluated in relation to our job title and awards won. We are proud owners of financial investments, large homes, and fast and fancy cars. We show off designer wardrobes and accessories. And we love to talk about our exotic vacations.
But how often do we consider our spiritual legacy? How well do we represent our faith in our daily life, talk to younger generations about our spiritual experiences, or pray in public, such as at work or on public transportation?
For Christians, Lent, and actually, spring for everyone, is a fabulous time of year to ponder our spiritual legacy. It’s the perfect occasion for spiritual renewal and growth through reflection and study of sacred scripture and saintly writings.
One way to do this is through something called faithbooking, which is a type of spiritual scrapbooking or journaling. Some of the things we might include in this project are noting the rites in which we participated such as baptism, confirmation, or bar mitzvah. We also might write about times when we felt closest to God, saints, and angels or believed we were especially blessed, the prayers that were miraculously answered, and also how we pray. We may write about our favorite devotions and the people who helped us grow in faith.
Sharing such details may feel too personal. Yet we live in an age when nothing seems off the record, so why would we hold back on sharing our intimate relationship with our Lord?
Would you like cleaner air, lower prices, and fewer catastrophic weather conditions? We can move closer to all of this with a few minor lifestyle changes.
There’s no denying that the whole earth is seeing troubling weather and events caused by that weather–fires, floods, tornadoes, hurricanes, and mud slides. The snowballing impact of these circumstances is tremendous. People are losing their homes, neighborhoods, and livelihoods. Crops are being destroyed, which results in higher food costs and shortages. And these conditions will continue to increase over time.
Some say the cause is due to global warming. Others say it’s normal weather cycles or our lack of faith. And there are those who say that’s nonsense. Whatever the cause, if we want it to stop, we have to look honestly at what we are doing as a nation and individually. At the very least, we can show respect and gratitude for our God-given gifts.
Consider some of the small things that can be done to improve conditions. Yes, these steps require some effort, and perhaps sacrifice. However, we will suffer one way or another. Why not do what we can to improve conditions and leave the earth in better condition than it is right now?
Take a look at this list and see what you can do. A few minor changes will make a big difference.
Reduce waste by making careful purchases of items that truly will be used.
Repurpose items rather than tossing them in landfills.
Donate items in good condition.
Consider shopping at resale shops rather than for new merchandise.
Use long-lasting lightbulbs.
Avoid plastic water bottles.
Raise air conditioning thermostat temperatures one degree.
Lower heating temps one degree.
Conserve water when cleaning, washing, playing outside, and watering lawns and gardens.
Clean-up rivers, ponds, forests, and parks.
Don’t dispose of medications and chemicals inappropriately. Check with your town and disposal company for their options.
Eat locally grown foods to avoid transportation waste.
Eat less meat, such as by serving meatless meals one or two days a week. Animals contribute greatly to carbon dioxide production.
Promote better environmental understanding.
Demand and vote for better environmental protection.
Pray for our planet.
*Our faith changes as we age, and for good reason. Have you read, Young in the Spirit?
The beginning of a new calendar year and birth year are good times to reassess where we are in our lives. For me, the timing is perfect. A May 31st birthday allows me to take note and make adjustments about 6 months apart every year.
The first step is to get in tune with our health because if we are not physically and emotionally balanced, we are less or totally ineffective. Think body, mind, and spirit, and ask ourselves questions such as the following.
Do we have chronic pain or ailments? We can begin by assessing our diet, exercise, and sleep patterns. If we are doing what we can to maintain good health and still suffering, it may be time to check in with a professional–a physician, chiropractor, or other healthcare provider.
Are we getting enough exercise? We don’t have to go from no exercise to running marathons. Start with gentle stretches, half hour walks, or walking back in forth in the house while swinging our arms.
Diet is critical to overall health. Food is fuel, and its quality is as important as quantity. Serving ourselves on small plates and in small bowls helps to reduce overeating. We also want to avoid processed foods. Processing breaks down the quality and adds high amounts of fat and sodium. Reading product labels on packaging is important in knowing what we are consuming. Best yet, eat whole foods. Think apple rather than an apple muffin and a piece of chicken rather than a breaded and fried chicken finger.
We want to ask ourselves how we are feeling emotionally? How often are we sad, impatient, frustrated, angry, or afraid. Sometimes it’s a matter of perspective. When we recognize our many blessings, we can see others’ needs and how we may assist them rather than wallowing in self-pity. If we feel these emotions regularly, then we might consider speaking with a counselor. We don’t function well when consumed with negative thoughts. And perhaps we should pass on watching the nightly news or watching television programs with violent or disturbing content. Our brain will continue to process those images and thoughts when we sleep. Listening to relaxing music or reading a fun book at bedtime is a better alternative.
Monitoring our financial health is also vital to mental health. Those impulse buys add up and can cause anxiety later when they need to be paid off. Taking a moment to ask ourselves if the item is something we need or will really use before purchasing can eliminate mounting debt and the stress of payments beyond our capabilities later.
Are we social? Connecting with other people is a basic human need and a key to longevity. Avoiding caustic relationships is just as important. Surrounding ourselves with healthy, and supportive friends promotes those same characteristics in ourselves.
Is our faith being fed? Trusting in a higher power alleviates us from believing we are in control of everything and therefore, responsible for all that goes wrong in the world. It also encourages us to understand how we are all connected and treat one another with love and respect no matter our station in life.
And perhaps the most important factor in well-being is recognizing our purpose. What’s our reason for getting up in the morning? Do we have meaningful people to care for and activities to occupy our time? Knowing our passions, such as gardening, playing a musical instrument, volunteering at a community center, food bank, or senior center; or drawing feeds our spirit with compassion, creativity, peace, and beauty.
Our list of needed self-improvements may be long, but we can’t change everything all at once. On the other hand, if we do nothing, nothing changes. Making one small change until it becomes a habit, and then moving on to another, moves us closer to a better, happier us one step at a time.
Do you know this baby’s name? Most of you will recognize this ornament as a representation of Jesus, even though it’s unlikely that Jesus looked like this. (Jesus was of Middle Eastern descent and hid with his family in the African country of Egypt. He was probably darker complected with dark hair and had Middle Eastern features.)
Amazingly, we only require a hint to grasp the meaning of an image. And we have many that represent Jesus and Christianity. A star in the sky reminds us of the star of Bethlehem that led shepherds and kings to the newborn Christ child, the anointed one. See a cross and we contemplate the great sacrifice–Jesus’ offering of himself for our eternal salvation. Spot a simple fish symbol on a bumper sticker, and we know that driver is probably a believer in Jesus and professes to walk the talk of Christianity.
In this season of hope, we have so many generally recognizable symbols in addition to those that are faith based. From evergreen trees, especially those in the spruce family, that trigger our thoughts to Christmas trees to reindeer reminding us of Santa’s sleigh, holiday cheer is everywhere.
May our holidays be rich in meaningful symbols, loving memories of the people who cared and supported us to this point, and enjoyable moments of sharing, giving, and humbly receiving. And may we all know peace in 2023.
***The holidays add extra burdens in managing loved ones with dementia. Reach out to your caregiver friends and relatives with an extra hug, note or text, or a plate of healthy food this season. They need more than you’ll ever realize. For more ways to help, see my books, Inspired Caregiving, Navigating Alzheimer’s, and The Alzheimer’s Spouse.
If you’ve read any of my books, I’d be honored if you wrote a short review on Amazon.
Rich in symbolism and significance, this familiar image of Mary, the mother of Jesus, is actually a self-portrait. The true story of Our Lady of Guadalupe is fascinating and intertwines cultures across continents and centuries right through to the present. Countless miracles have been attested to devotion to Our Lady of Guadalupe, including one incredible personal miracle I myself received in 2008.
Read on for more of this intriguing story.
* * *
In the late sixth century, Pope Gregory the Great gave a black Madonna statue to Archbishop Leandro of Seville, Spain. When the Arabs invaded the country in 711, the statue was buried in the mountains of Asturias along the Guadalupe River. (Burying sacred items was a common practice to prevent their desecration and theft.) The legend is that five centuries later, Mary appeared to a man named Gil Codero and instructed him to dig for the buried sculpture. Codero retrieved the statue and placed it in a shrine on that same spot. The Spanish people showed honor to Our Lady of Guadalupe, Spain, by journeying to the shrine to pray.
Several centuries later, on December 9, 1531, across the ocean on the hills of Tepeyac, Mexico, a young peasant named Juan Deigo was drawn to a bright light. There Juan found within a cloud a beautiful woman dressed in vivid colors. The woman spoke to him in his native Aztec tongue of Nahuatl. She said she was the Ever-Virgin, Holy Mary, Mother of the God of Truth. The Lady instructed Juan to go to Bishop Zumarraga of Mexico and tell him to build a chapel on the hill. However, it took Juan three attempts and a miracle before he convinced the bishop that this message indeed came from Mary.
In the midst of winter, Mary provided what Juan thought was a sign for the bishop. It consisted of an exceptional bouquet of flowers, including Castilian roses, that he gathered from snow-covered hills per Mary’s instructions. Mary arranged the flowers herself and wrapped them in Juan’s own modest cloak, known as a tilma. However, it was a much more impressive sign than the beautiful flowers that Mary gave the bishop. Upon opening the cloak to present the bouquet, the exact image of Our Lady as revealed to Juan was printed on his tilma. The shocked bishop humbly dropped to his knees in tears.
The apparition was important to the indigenous people as well because it struck some significant correlations between the natives and their pagan gods:
Mary was shown in bright, bold colors standing in the rays of the sun on a crescent moon. The indigenous people considered the goddess Coatlicue the mother of the sun and the moon.
Mary told Juan that her name in his native tongue was Tlecuauhtlacupeuh, which means “the one who crushes the serpent.” One of the native gods, Quetzalcoatl, was a feathered serpent to which people sacrificed women and children.
The natives soon learned that while the serpent god required human sacrifice, Mary’s son, Jesus, sacrificed himself for all people.
Not only did Mary speak to the people in their language, she reached out to Juan as his friend and protector. She told Juan not to let anything discourage or depress him. She said he should not fear any illness or pain, because she was his mother. She promised to protect him in the folds of her mantle in the crossing of her arms. After the apparitions millions were drawn to this special woman and her message, thereby converting to Christianity.
The Spaniards in Mexico were touched by the miracle, as well. Tlecuauhtlacupeuh, the name Mary used to address herself in the language of Nahuatl, sounded like the word “Guadalupe” to the Spaniards. The Lady even wore stars on her cloak as found on the ancient statue of Guadalupe, so the Spaniards believed she was their own Lady of their native land of Guadalupe, Spain.
In addition, Mary’s relation with Juan forced the Spaniards to reconsider their perceptions of the indigenous people, whom they considered inferior. Mary honored the native culture with her presence. Consequently, the Spaniards had to recognize and respect them equally as children of God.
Scientists made several studies on the tilma to verify its authenticity. The scientific consensus consistently found that the icon truly is a heavenly creation. There are no brush strokes. Nor are the rich colors the result of any paint of dye known to humankind (with the exception of some flourishes added later).
The story of Our Lady of Guadalupe illustrates Mary’s love for all people. However, she is most present to the poor, sad, sick, and lonely because that is where she is most needed. She is with us in our grief and human pain. Mary’s motherly concern is that everyone is treated justly and strives to live a life in a way that is pleasing to God. Her message always is to pray more and live peacefully.
Today, Juan’s tilma is displayed in the world’s busiest Marian shrine, Our Lady of Guadalupe Basilica, located in Mexico City. Millions of pilgrims travel worldwide each year to see the magnificent piece firsthand. From a moving walkway only a few feet below, pilgrims can see the image of Mary exactly as Juan saw her nearly five hundred years ago. The reality of the privileged opportunity to brush so closely to this self-portrait of our Blessed Mother is evident in the stream of awe-struck faces of the pilgrims beneath it. The experience is life-changing for the many people who claim they receive personal miracles in its presence.
After five centuries, it is extraordinary that the tilma exists today unharmed and without deterioration of the cloth or colors. Made from the fibers of a cactus plant, it typically would disintegrate within twenty years. Also, a bomb exploded beneath it in 1921 ripping apart the marble in the sanctuary but without causing any damage to the tilma or its glass cover. The tilma’s incredible survival alone is an inspiration to patrons praying before it.
A question I’ve been asked over the years is which of the books that I’ve written is my favorite. This is a question that is as impossible to answer as which child is my favorite. Each book is special to me. I’m proud of all of all of them for different reasons.
Each was written with an intent to fill a need. Each book was sent out into the world with a mission to offer information and consolation to a particular audience. Most have won awards and sold consistently well over the years. And now I’m very excited about a new book coming out this year, which I will tell you about at the end of this post.
Mentoring Heroeswas my first book. Published in 2000, this book centered on my recognition through newspaper articles I’d written that successful people attributed their progress to the mentors who helped them along the way. I also recognized that women’s lives are complicated and multi-layered with family, household, and work responsibilities, and therefore, more challenging in finding ways in which to be mentored. Mentoring Heroes was widely used in university Women Studies programs and by clubs and groups. Today, I know that the book is dated in the way that it was printed–with copper plates and blue-line editing as opposed to today’s digital print method–and due to men participating more in household responsibilities and technology offering more ways in which to be mentored. Yet, the overall benefits and need for mentoring remains relevant.
The Rosary Prayer by Prayer, Grieving with Mary, andFatima at 100. Fatima Todaywere inspired by a devotion to the Virgin Mary. These were the types of books I wanted to write since childhood. Praying with Mary should always lead to a greater devotion to her son, Jesus. Mary is our heavenly mother, and like a good mother, she loves us dearly, promotes peace among all creation, and encourages us to care for one another as Jesus does. Praying with her offers a sense of calm in a world where this type of alliance is greatly needed.
With the The Rosary Prayer by Prayer readers can pray along simply by following pages showing the placement on the rosary, the prayer to be prayed, illustrations by Joseph Cannella, and a reflection. Grieving with Mary is a best-seller that aligns praying with Mary in a wide variety of ways during times of loss. And Fatima at 100. Fatima Today is a little booklet that reviews Mary’s messages in Fatima, Portugal in 1917 and how those messages remain vital in attaining peace.
Seven Principles of Sainthood Following Saint Mother Theodore GuerinandSaint Theodora and Her Promise to Godare books about a woman who immigrated to the United States to teach children and young woman. Saint Mother Theodore Guerin, also known as Saint Theodora, and a small group of sisters opened schools throughout rural Indiana and Illinois in the mid to late 1800s, a time when Catholic schools were greatly needed and in which this band of women faced great obstacles. The sisters also opened a school for the higher education of women when women had little-to-no choice for such an opportunity. Seven Principles was written for adults and Saint Theodora and Her Promise to Godwas written for children. I was inspired to write these books after attending Saint Mary of the Woods College, the school Saint Mother Theodore founded, as well as her canonization in Rome, Italy.
Young in the Spirit was published in 2013 when I was closing in on one of those big decade birthdays (I was 60 in 2014-Yikes!). Big birthdays spark contemplation on where we came from, how we arrived at a particular point in time, and where we anticipate the future to bring us. One of the areas of contemplation for me was in regard to my faith—how it changed through the years and what I could offer the Church now. Those thoughts are at the heart of Young in the Spirit.
Hans Christian Andersen Illuminated by The Message was part of a series initiated by my publisher, Greg Pierce. The series offers a unique way to promote prayer by pairing Scripture verses with passages from classic writings. I chose Hans Christian Andersen in remembrance of my mother and her childhood book, a 1936 edition of Anderson’s Fairy Tales, the same book from which my mother read to me.
Navigating Alzheimer’s,The Alzheimer’s Spouse, and Inspired Caregiving was born from a need recognized by Pam Sebern, the director of a memory care home where my husband resided in his last years. Pam asked for books to help families understand dementia and better care for their loved ones while caring for themselves along the way. She felt that the books available at that time were too medical and needed a perspective from one who lived the experience. As my husband suffered from symptoms from Alzheimer’s disease for more than 15 years, and I was an author with substantial writing experience, Pam believed I could fulfill that need.
Navigating Alzheimer’s covers the basics of Alzheimer’s and ways in which we can work with our loved one. It offers family members and caregivers a clear overall of the changes they’re likely to notice. The Alzheimer’s Spouse also covers the basics of the disease but from the perspective of the spouse. Alzheimer’s touches every aspect of both spouses in devastating ways. Inspired Caregiving provides readers with a daily/weekly boost of inspiration. Each weekly reflection follows a rotation that includes a photo, prayer, thought, activity, stretch, affirmation, quote, and bit of humor to offer guidance, encouragement, improved self-talk, and maybe a smile. All three of these books are recommended by memory care facilities across the country.
My next book, which currently is in publication, is less serious. I believe readers and I are in need of opportunities that promote peace, beauty, love, and inspiration. For this reason, my newest book, tentatively called The Gifts of Public Gardens, showcases vivid photos of nature that I have taken at public gardens paired with short, thoughtful poems. My intent is for readers to escape into the positive, wonderous gifts around us. I will keep you posted on when this book will be available.
If you’ve read any of my books, please post a review on Amazon. Readers rely on these comments to find books best suited to their needs.
A beloved uncle of mine passed away this month. Uncle Walt was 81 years-old and suffered from a couple of health problems for decades. We would love to have had him longer, but his death was not completely unexpected. Therefore, his memorial was celebratory and honored him with some tears and lots of stories and laughter.
When someone suffers from illness, it’s not unusual to look at their death as a relief. We find a bit of comfort in knowing our loved one is no longer in pain, and for those who believe in heaven, that they are in a better, happier, and easier place from that point through eternity.
Yet even these expected deaths prompt deep pondering about our relationship with the deceased. We reminisce the good times. We also take note of our own passing in the unforeseen near or far future. It’s a wakeup call, a reminder, that no one lives forever. At some point, we too will cross to the other side. And no one knows when that time will come.
When I dream, I encounter friends and family who are both living and dead. These people typically are moving around in the same dream. I see some of them so often, I don’t miss them in this life as much. I’m comforted by their presence in my dreams and also my own death. It helps me to believe in the continuity of life, in one form or another.
Following is a free verse poem I wrote about my experience with such dreams.
If you had the power to bring peace and justice to absolutely everywhere in the world, would you use that power? Would you at least make an attempt to promote peace?
Well, you do have such power, and it isn’t very complicated. More than 100 years ago, the Virgin Mary gave us a peace plan that she promised would work. And she provided clear instructions for us to follow.
Over the course of six months from May 13 to October 13, 1917, Mary appeared to three shepherd children, Lucia, Francisco, and Jacinta in Fatima, Portugal. The plan is simple but does take some effort on our part. Basically, it is to build a relationship with Mary’s son, Jesus. If Jesus is our first thought before we act, we would be kinder, gentler, and loving. The more of us who do this, the more peaceful our world becomes.
One way in which to grow closer to Jesus is to pray the rosary daily. Throughout the rosary, we meditate on the life, works, and death of Christ. The repetition of prayers is calming, which allows us to think clearly. We end feeling more relaxed and positive.
Mary warned that if we did not strive for peace, an already greedy, angry, and selfish world would become worse. At that time, World War I was in progress. Undoubtedly, we did not heed the warning. We know that a greater war did in fact occur, and we have continued with conflicts ever since then.
At the time of the apparitions, Lucia was 10 years old, Francisco was 9, and Jacinta was 7. The Fatima children were quite young yet followed Mary’s instructions to the very best of their abilities. If they could do it, so can we.
For more information on Mary’s peace plan, see my booklet,Fatima Today, available for only 99 cents from ACTA Publications. To learn how to pray the rosary or understand it better, see my book, The Rosary Prayer by Prayer.
When my Grandpa McCarthy passed away, we found a little folded piece of paper in his wallet with a poem printed on it. My grandmother knew I loved poetry, so she gave me the paper.
The poem is meaningful to me on so many levels. It is beautifully written, and its message is thought-provoking. I can’t help but to ponder the scene when reading it. Mostly, the poem reminds me of my grandparents and their love for their German Shepherds.
Here is that special little poem.
The Little Black Dog
I wonder if Christ had a little black dog,
All curly and wooly like mine
With two silky ears and a nose round and wet,
And two eyes, brown and tender, that shine.
I’m sure if He had, that little black dog
Knew right from the start He was God,
That he needed no proof that Christ was divine
But just worshipped the ground that He trod.
I’m afraid that He hadn’t because I have read
How He prayed in the garden alone;
For all of His friends and disciples had fled –
Even Peter, the one called a stone.
And oh, I am sure that little black dog,
With a heart so tender and warm,
Would never have left Him to suffer alone,
But creeping right under His arm,
Would have licked those dear fingers, in agony clasped;
And counting all favors but loss,
When they took Him away would have trotted behind
And followed Him quite to the Cross.
– –Elizabeth Gardner Reynolds–
*I’m currently working on a couple of books on poetry. One should be out within about a year.
Midwest Mary 