Midwest Mary

Mourning the loss of someone we love takes a course that is never typical. There are a set of reactions we encounter. But those reactions don’t follow a set pattern or intensity.

We feel our loved one’s absence in ways specific to each individual’s relationship and characteristics. Describing the mourning that comes with the loss of a loved one is even more challenging when Alzheimer’s disease is factored into that loss.

I cried throughout the fifteen years my husband showed symptoms of Alzheimer’s disease because I lost him little by little. Everything was constantly changing. Like a woodcutter chiseling away at my husband and our relationship, bits of him continuously vanished.

Watching Marshall lose the ability to focus while driving, follow a conversation, remember how to eat a hamburger, and recognize his own children was excruciating. By the time Marshall passed away, I felt he was long gone to me. We hadn’t had a real conversation in more than a decade.

The mourning period that immediately followed his death was more like feeling stunned than sad. Not having the constant responsibility of overseeing his care felt like my life purpose was suddenly taken away.

Marshall is gone five years, and I’m only now mourning in a more typical way. I’ve finally stopped dreaming of Marshall with Alzheimer’s. The PTSD of being on alert 24/7 is beginning to subside. I can now miss the good times, the fun Marshall, and the love we shared.

Following is an excerpt from my book, Grieving with Mary. Finding Comfort and Healing in the Devotion of the Mother of God that offers the basics of mourning. The book was written before Marshall was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and I’d learn the struggles of that path.

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“Grief recovery is a period of healing unique to the grieving person. Everyone’s experiences are different because there are so many variables involved. Recovery depends on the type of loss or hardship, the unique relationship you had with what or whom was lost, your physical, emotional, and spiritual condition at the time of loss, how much preparation or advance notice you had, and an array of outside factors. The extent of family and faith community support also influences the healing process.

Psychologists identify various stages of grief that usually include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. There also are a range of physical effects on the body such as lack of concentration, fatigue, shortness of breath, and overall feeling of illness. A loss of interest in things previously enjoyed, perhaps even the desire to pray and attend church, may result. The stages don’t typically follow a set pattern but rather fluctuate and overlap for various periods of time. Grief may appear to end but then return again when you least expect it.

However you grieve, know that grieving is a normal, human response. The period of bereavement runs its own course at its own rate. To lose what is dear to you is painful. You may wish to ignore or suppress the mourning. Yet experiencing the pain is necessary, for if it’s ignored or rushed, it only will resurface later. “ 

–Excerpt from Grieving with Mary. Finding Comfort and Healing in Devotion to the Mother of God.

©2024, Mary K. Doyle