Midwest Mary

We are approaching the time of year when we ramp of festive activities in celebration of Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, and the New Year. As much fun as these occasions are, I like to remind everyone that they also are exhausting, especially for children, the elderly, and those who are dealing with illnesses, dementia in particular.

People with dementia must work harder to absorb all the lights, colors, sounds, and movement. In addition, they may recognize few of the people they see. Even a small event drains them of their needed energy to get though a normal day. Modifying our plans for a calmer, simpler celebration is best for the person with dementia as well as their caregivers.

An example that illustrates this need for moderation occurred when my husband, Marshall’s, granddaughter, got married. The granddaughter and Marshall’s children demanded he attend no matter how much I explained and begged them to consider alternative ways to include him.

In the end, the family was happy, but Marshall paid a tremendous price. He was physically and emotionally ill for the entire week that followed. He had no memory of the event or people but was highly agitated and exhausted long afterwards. He also was difficult for caregivers to manage.

Following is an excerpt on holidays with loved ones with dementia from my book, The Alzheimer’s Spouse. I also have another post that may be helpful, “Modified Holidays for Loved Ones with Dementia.”

*

The joys of family and friendships are usually celebrated by marking momentous events together. Weddings, landmark birthdays, graduations, personal achievements, and holidays are toasted together by a whole family joined in celebration. They are events we eagerly look forward to, but our spouses with Alzheimer’s may find them overwhelming. Even if our spouses say they want to go, anxiety can mount for them in the days leading up to the event. Once there, their energy is quickly drained.

Even close relations cannot understand how much they are asking when they invite Alzheimer’s sufferers to their celebration. It’s important to them that our loved one is there, but if he or she is in mid-to-late stages of Alzheimer’s, all the people and activity at the event will be too much. There is so much to absorb, and those with Alzheimer’s are working with too little cognitive ability to process it all. Recovery from such an event will take several days—even though they have no memory of it.

If the event is close by, a preferred alternative to attending the entire celebration is to make a brief appearance. Travel time must be included when considering how much is too much. Limit outings to no more than two to three hours, including travel time, for best results. If the party is too far away to fit that window, it is better to send your regrets.

The best option for Alzheimer’s patients is for the person celebrating to come to them for a short visit prior to the event. Commemorative photos can still be taken, and they can have our spouse all to themselves, undistracted and comfortable in a familiar setting. It may be a great disappointment to the extended family that we cannot attend the celebration, but it is better to celebrate in a way that considers our loved ones’ best interest. –excerpt from The Alzheimer’s Spouse. Finding the Grace to Keep the Promise.

Also see, Navigating Alzheimer’s and Inspired Caregiving.

©2025, Mary K. Doyle