“We have no words to express our sorrow.” Really? There are at least a quarter of a million words in the English language. Did you actually run out of all of them? After a death, we wish to express our sadness and offer a bit of comfort to their close friends and family. We say some silly things because we just don’t know what to say. We don’t know how to make things better. One of the most common sentences in sympathy cards is, “You are in my thoughts and prayers.” If you’ve experienced the death of a loved one, you probably received a stack of notes with this sentence. These, and other common expressions such as, “I’m sorry for your loss” or “I’m sorry for your troubles,” are fine to start with, but you might stop and think for just a moment. Begin by thinking about the person you are writing to and the one who passed away:
- Can you say something kind about your friend or their deceased loved one?
- Perhaps you have a fond memory of them that you can share.
- Can you remark on their outstanding reputation, personality, or generosity?
- Did the deceased suffer a long illness or die suddenly?
- Was your friend involved in their care?
- Can you identify with your friend’s loss?
- Do you know of a Bible verse, prayer, or poem that is appropriate?
Expressing a thought imperfectly is better than not saying anything at all. Go ahead and use those common phrases if you can’t come up with anything else. But taking one more minute to think before writing or speaking truly can offer a moment of comfort to someone who is grieving.
©2014, Mary K. Doyle
Midwest Mary 
sympathy is the best human emotion
So timely, I found out this past weekend a friend I new 30+ years ago passed away this past winter from cancer. 56 – way too young. Leaving behind her husband and 5 grown sons. I had written the “no words can . . . .” but then stopped and wrote about how much their friendship had meant to me back then, how they seemed like the perfect couple and after 30 years, and the memorials I read, seemed like they stayed that way through their short life together. Death affects each survivor differently. I believe those that do not have a strong faith can take death very personally, and can become bitter at the loss of the loved ones. For those, the “no words can . . . ” have always seemed like the right choice, but your comment, “Expressing a thought imperfectly is better than not saying anything at all.” rings true. Too often we go through life looking for the perfect time, the perfect place, the perfect words. We are imperfect beings, we should seize the moment and offer the best we can at the moment.
Thank you for sharing your experience, jgt. Losing a long-time friend is like losing a piece of puzzle in your life. One of my close friends and mentors passed away last year, and I still talk to her every morning, just in a different way. I appreciate that you took the time to comment.